In the same night dear, sweet Eva, my old Nanjing roomie, finally realized that my sofa is not her new bed, I had yet another issue in unwanted/uninvited house guests. On Friday night, after a long week at work, I got a phone call from my old neighbor in Nanjing, Ellen. She called excited to tell me that she’s coming to Shanghai for the Expo.
So, I asked her when she was arriving. She said Tuesday. I asked her if her parents were coming with her. She said “No, I’m coming by myself.” Ut oh. I could see where this was heading. She wanted to stay with me.
I told her that next week wasn’t a good time to come. I can't take off days from work to go with her to Expo, and Eva is very busy with work. Then there was the issue of where she would sleep. My apartment is not big. The sofa is probably barely enough for Eva, let alone Eva and Ellen to share, which Eva suggested – again with the uncomfortable, unusual sleeping arrangements. And this might sound a bit snotty but I’m not about to share a bed (a small bed at that) with her. I mean we’re friends, but we’re not that good of friends.
Finally after some back and forth banter I told her we'd have to wait a few weeks to plan this trip to Shanghai for the Expo. I felt awful because I’m sure Ellen was extremely disappointed. But, at the same time, she did spring this on me last minute.
I don’t know how I feel about this situation. It seems to be very “Chinese” to just invite yourself to someone’s home to spend the night. I remember editing articles about unwanted house guests staying with friends and family in Shanghai for weeks on end so they could go to the Expo. Eva also “extended” the time she stayed with me a while ago from “2-3 days” to almost a week back in the beginning of August.
But I’m not Chinese. And I don’t feel like “being Chinese” right now. But at the same time I’m torn about how to handle this. While I do feel a little put out that Ellen has just invited herself to stay with me, I do feel like I’m indebted to them because of the kindness they’ve shown me with taking me to Changzhou, my birthday dinner and a going away dinner.
However entertaining Ellen for a few days or a weekend is a lot! If she came with her mom or dad and stayed at a hotel, I could easily and happily accompany them to the Expo, pay for their tickets, treat them to dinner and show them the same hospitality they’ve shown me. But does this include opening my home, entertaining and essentially babysitting Ellen? I don’t know and it’s quite the conundrum.
Oh China (and Chinese people) – I need a break!
So, I asked her when she was arriving. She said Tuesday. I asked her if her parents were coming with her. She said “No, I’m coming by myself.” Ut oh. I could see where this was heading. She wanted to stay with me.
I told her that next week wasn’t a good time to come. I can't take off days from work to go with her to Expo, and Eva is very busy with work. Then there was the issue of where she would sleep. My apartment is not big. The sofa is probably barely enough for Eva, let alone Eva and Ellen to share, which Eva suggested – again with the uncomfortable, unusual sleeping arrangements. And this might sound a bit snotty but I’m not about to share a bed (a small bed at that) with her. I mean we’re friends, but we’re not that good of friends.
Finally after some back and forth banter I told her we'd have to wait a few weeks to plan this trip to Shanghai for the Expo. I felt awful because I’m sure Ellen was extremely disappointed. But, at the same time, she did spring this on me last minute.
I don’t know how I feel about this situation. It seems to be very “Chinese” to just invite yourself to someone’s home to spend the night. I remember editing articles about unwanted house guests staying with friends and family in Shanghai for weeks on end so they could go to the Expo. Eva also “extended” the time she stayed with me a while ago from “2-3 days” to almost a week back in the beginning of August.
But I’m not Chinese. And I don’t feel like “being Chinese” right now. But at the same time I’m torn about how to handle this. While I do feel a little put out that Ellen has just invited herself to stay with me, I do feel like I’m indebted to them because of the kindness they’ve shown me with taking me to Changzhou, my birthday dinner and a going away dinner.
However entertaining Ellen for a few days or a weekend is a lot! If she came with her mom or dad and stayed at a hotel, I could easily and happily accompany them to the Expo, pay for their tickets, treat them to dinner and show them the same hospitality they’ve shown me. But does this include opening my home, entertaining and essentially babysitting Ellen? I don’t know and it’s quite the conundrum.
Oh China (and Chinese people) – I need a break!
5 comments:
it's not just the chinese who are very tribal but yes they do have very annoying habits and once you're friends with them, you have give them your time to cater them. It's really over the top and insensitve to think once you're friends with them, they think you owe them every right to help out or give them free accomodation! this co=dependency and great expectations is totally ridiculous
Thanks for your comment anonymous. I'll admit the co-dependency has been driving me crazy lately. Hopefully they understand that foreigners just have different lifestyles and they're not offended when I (or other foreigners) don't always reciprocate to the same degree.
You will have to force your point through to your free loading friend Eva otherwise they think it's okay to keep doing this to you or tag another friend along for an ugly surprise!!!!
Do you have to let your land lord know if you have an extra person staying in your apt?
As far as the landlord goes, he's ok with guests... but that could be one way to get her out sooner.
And I agree I need to probably be somewhat forceful, but I don't see it as freeloading. She's paying for an ayi and is treating me to dinner. Shanghai is expensive and I'm happy to help her (to an extent) while she gets things figured out. She just needs to not abuse it.
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