Girl Crush Pt. 2

Many of you readers (ok... two of you) have asked about the “stage 5 clinger” who has seemed to latch herself on to me. Well, luckily I was able let her down gently that I was not going to move and she couldn’t continue living on my couch. So here’s how it went down.

It was confirmed that I would in fact have to jump through all kinds of hoops and probably have to pay all kinds of fees in order to change the address that is on my work permits and certificates – I had my legitimate excuse.

So we went to dinner together on Friday night and I had rehearsed how I was going to break the news. I told her about my work and that I just going to be able to move. She seemed to understand when I told her, but five minutes later was back to saying, “when we find an apartment together.” I had to stop her and say, “but we’re not going to live together.”

She looked at me puzzled. So I told her again, “I can’t move until my lease is up.” So she asked, “When will that be?” and I replied, “not until April…next year.” I had only told her this about 5 other times. Then the look of sadness and “but I really was hoping to live with you.” Oh the guilt!

I told her that I just couldn’t move, but that she could stay with me a while longer until she was settled and found something on her own. Then she started saying, “Well let me pay you rent. Let me pay the utilities.” At first I wondered why was she saying this. I had told her she didn’t need to and that she could stay with me while she saved some money. And then I realized that she was thinking she was just going to continue living on my couch.

I should interject here and say that Chinese people have very different living expectations than that of most foreigners. They are perfectly content to living in small quarters and in seemingly comfortable places. My sofa is ok for sitting on for a movie and napping on in the afternoon, but it is not a sofa I would want to sleep on for an extended period of time. Yet, Eva seemed perfectly content to do just that.

So my mind started racing about how I was now going to have to tell her that she couldn’t do that… and why she would want to do that. So I kept saying “After you find something for you” and “you can stay a few more weeks.” I wasn’t getting anywhere.

Finally I found my out. I’d like to think that she could tell from my concerned face that I was a little weary and she finally goes “but do you think the apt is too small for two people?” There it was – my reason that she couldn’t live there. “Yes, yes. You know I really think it’s too small for two people.”

Maybe she was feeling the same, I don’t know. All I know is that she finally understood that she can’t live on my couch forever. And I told she didn’t need to rush. I reiterated that I wanted her to find a home where she felt comfortable – either on her own or with roommates – and that she had some time to do that. Luckily, this time she got the message because she came home later in the weekend saying, “I think it’s going to be really easy to find an apartment.” Thank goodness.

It’s a huge relief and I think it’ll be good for her. I’m still one of her only friends in Shanghai, and I felt a little bit like a mother bird giving that little push to baby bird saying, “spread your wings, fly away from the nest.” I’m sure she’ll be able to find something and maybe with other foreigners. I know that when she does move we’ll still stay good friends, and she’ll be welcome to come hang out anytime. And now I can have my apartment back, without all her black hair, and can still feel like I’ve done my part as a friend.

How to cure a migraine - Chinese style

As I mentioned before, my old roommate is staying with me and it’s been nice to have someone to chitchat with when I come home after work. But I’ve been under a bit of stress lately with my boyfriend of a year leaving China, trying to adjust to new responsibilities at work, starting a part time teaching job to help earn some extra dough and working on some freelance design projects. It finally took its toll on my body when I got my first-ever full-blown migraine. I’m prone to painful headaches, especially in the summertime, but this was the first time it was this bad.

Anyway, when she got home later that evening, I thought I’d test my Chinese skills and tell her that I got a migraine. This conversation quickly turned into clear cultural (and intellectual) differences about how to take of oneself. Her initial response to me telling her about my migraine was “Oh my gosh! Why?”

I thought “why?” was a peculiar question, but didn’t dwell and told her I thought it was from stress and emotions, and that I had been busy with work and I’ve been upset about my boyfriend leaving. And then she said something to the effect of “you’re still upset about that?” To which I thought “Why are you surprised about that? He’s only been gone like 6 days so yeah... I’m still upset/sad/thinking about that.”

So then she says “Did you take any medicine? I don’t think you should.” Ok, you try telling that to the girl who feels like a nail is being hammered into her head. I told her, “Yeah, I took medicine. I had to.”

Then she asked about how much I work out, which lately has been about once in the last two weeks. So she suggested “You should do yoga. It helps stress and muscles.” Ok, fair enough. That’s some logical advice. But then the kicker. “Next time, you probably just needed some fresh air.” Sigh. I wish that the “fresh air” would have cured my migraine, but it’s doubtful.

I don’t know how I feel about Chinese medicine compared to Western medicine, but I know her diagnosis of no medicine and fresh air wasn’t what I was looking for.

I love me some me!

Waiting for the train is the perfect time to take pictures of yourself! Duh!

So in my many travels back and forth from Shanghai to Nanjing I saw quite an assortment of people – everyone from smelly old guys with dirty, long fingernails to screaming children behind me kicking my seat. But I couldn’t help but notice one young woman waiting to board the train who spent about 15 minutes taking pictures of herself with her camera phone.

Now, at first I thought, “Oh she’s just doing it because she’s excited she’s going to the take the new train.” But the longer I tried to not-so-noticeably stare at the probably 30-something, professional-looking women the longer I realized, “Nope, she just really likes taking pictures herself.”

I don’t know if it’s a Chinese thing, an Asian thing or an-everyone-but-me thing, but I don’t really like taking “solo shots,” as us sorority girls used to call them. I mean, if I’m at a particularly neat place with a particularly photo-worthy landscape then sure, I’d love to have a picture of me there by myself to document the experience. But taking head shots while you’re waiting for the train to Nanjing? Come on.

It’s not like this doesn’t happen all the time either. The other day while I was eating lunch I saw this guy and girl pair (they looked like coworkers) where the girl was taking a picture of the guy with a half-eaten plate of food in front of him. This was not a special restaurant, and it was during lunch. What was the photo opp? The only picture I’ve had taken with food in front of me was back in college when we were going for pizza at 2 in the morning and probably wouldn’t remember the picture (or the pizza) the next day.

The tip of the iceberg came the other day when I was at this new teaching job and one of the students was talking about the picture BOOK she had made that were all pictures of herself. I’m not talking about a portrait to hang on the mantel or a few pictures to give to friends and family or to use with her resume. I’m talking about an entire book with nothing but pictures of herself posing in most likely gaudy dresses with silly backgrounds.

I guess I shouldn’t judge, after all it is reminiscent of when my mom made me and brother have our pictures taken at Olan Mills when we were little. And then there’s also Glamour Shots, where (usually) little girls would get all dolled up in grown-up make-up and put on fancy outfits to have their picture made. However, I never had them made, never wanted to have them made and would judge someone over the age of 13 who went to have them made.

I wonder if I’m alone on this? Do other people like having “solo shots” at any random occasion? Or is it just the Chinese (and maybe even all Asians)? I mean, I guess I am judging. I really value interesting photographs that are “in the moment” or bring about feelings of "Oh I remember that time." But, in my opinion, head shots at the Shanghai train station just doesn’t make the cut.

Game addictions and gender issues

This week in my daily news reading, I saw that China Daily posted two surprising articles about divorce, marriage and gender discrimination. I often find it unexpected when I see these kinds of articles, but since they're happening with more frequency, maybe those proofreaders in Beijing and the party members in charge of the paper are bending a little when it comes to discussing social issues.

China's one child policy may have been good for population control, but with the pre-existing notions that male children are better, especially in China’s more rural areas, it’s proved problematic with too many males and too few females. Worst of all, it's jeopardized women's safety with increased numbers of kidnappings and more cases of being sold into marriages. I've read many historical fiction books about China pre-1900s and what's going on in these more remote places seems more like "imperial China" than "improving China".

On a not-so-serious note, it's also produced a generation of (self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed and any other negative word with self) only children. I really couldn't help but laugh when I saw that a study showed that 20 percent of respondents cited an "over-indulgence in Web games" as a cause of their divorce. Really? Only in China.

But at least the people interviewed in the article knew what had gone wrong, could admit that they rushed into the marriage and that being an only child made it “difficult to live with others” – points of which I have made on NYAFC before. And as long as they're able to identify these points and talk about it, maybe it will help younger generations to not make similar mistakes when marrying. Hopefully it will also address some of the underlying social issues that still face the country.

All I know is I'm happy to not be one of them. If I was Chinese my grandma would be hounding me because to get married and not focus so much on my career. Thankfully, mine doesn't.

Girl Crush

I love friends, but I’m finding one friendship in particular especially challenging as of late. I don’t know if this is just how some Chinese girls are or if this is just one case in particular, but I’m struggling with how to deal with it.

I should preface this with saying that for those of you who don’t know me, I enjoy being independent. I rarely make life choices around someone else or what other people think. Sure, I take advice, but I treat it as just that – advice. So now that my roommate from Nanjing has moved to Shanghai she seems adamant that we must once again live together.

It started when I first moved to Shanghai. I mistakenly told her that if she moved to Shanghai maybe we could live together; the keyword being maybe. Well a few weeks ago when she was job searching in Shanghai she kept talking about how when she found a job we would live together. Again, I kept saying maybe. She even asked if I would move outside the downtown area. That was a flat out “no.”

Well now she’s found a job in Shanghai, and I’ve agreed she can stay with me for a few weeks. To try to get myself out of this situation where she thinks we will most definitely live together permanently, I told her the day she arrived that I didn’t know if I could move. First of all, my permit and visa are all registered to my Shanghai apartment. Second, I’ve paid for various amenities for the apartment through the end of the year. Third, I don’t know if we’d be able to find a suitable apartment given the rather large disparities in our incomes (And I’m not about to downgrade to an old “Chinesey” apartment. I did that in Nanjing, thank you). She kept insisting that we’re going to find an apartment together.

She was driving me crazy! So, I just told her straight forwardly, “please don’t make these decisions around me. You need to do what is best for you. You need to decide if you want to live closer to your work (which is an hour metro ride away). Let’s not make decisions now.”

She was still either not budging, not understanding or just not listening to what I was saying.

Finally, I pulled the last card that I could think of. I told her there was a possibility that I might have to move to another city. My work responsibilities have changed and I’m working on an English-language newspaper that is released in a nearby province. Much of the reporting and editing is done in Shanghai, and it’s proving to be somewhat inconvenient. The prospect of moving hasn’t even come up yet at work, but I’m not discounting the idea.

Her response: “Oh, you were part of the reason I moved to Shanghai. If you move, then I will follow you.” AHHHHHHH!

I really do like the girl. She’s really very sweet and has been a good friend. But I just can’t handle her dependency on me. I like living alone. I like doing things when I want to do them. I don’t want to have to “adopt” her and include her in all my plans. Selfishly, I like just deciding things for myself. Most of all, I just like being by myself.

So I don’t know what else I can do to get the point across. It isn’t that I don’t want to live with her. I just don’t want to have to find an apartment, move, sublease my apartment, risk losing my deposit on the apartment and go through all the other hassles. I’m settled. I don’t want to uproot. But I also don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Is this a cultural thing? I just don’t know! China, you’ve stumped me on this one.

Expo Expedition.

I finally got to go to the Expo the other week. I’ve only been editing articles for weeks on end about it, and I was so excited to finally get to go only to be severely let down. Ok, “severely” may be an overstatement, but it was kind of disappointing.

In the taxi over the bridge, I could see most of the Expo Garden and my emotions were high. All the pavilions, especially the China Pavilion, looked really pretty. It was kind of like Disney World, only without the rides and the magic.

Anyway, I was going to an interview at the US Pavilion, so after the interview I got the see the pavilion. It was just a bunch of movies of life in the US, which were clearly promos for the pavilion’s corporate sponsors - GE, Pepsi (BOOO) and surprisingly Habitat for Humanity (maybe they weren’t a sponsor, but they were featured). It was nice to see so many American faces and sit down in an air-conditioned room, as I had mistakenly worn a high heels and a pencil skirt to what is essentially a theme park on one of the hottest days of the summer.

After a few short films that, in my opinion, weren’t really all that reflective of life in America, I went off to the Brazil and Canada pavilions. The US’s was fantastic compared to these two let downs. I left both somewhat confused and thinking  “what was the point of that?”

While I didn’t really enjoy the pavilions, per say, there’s no denying the Expo is a huge deal. After all these uninspiring pavilions I attended this press conference where they talked about how the US Pavilion will see more visitors in 6 months than Disney World sees in a year. That’s pretty cool.

And while I still don’t really get the point of the Expo, there’s a lot of people (mostly Chinese) are going. And I think the US Pavilion is pretty good (comparatively) if only because you get to sit down inside in a cool building.

好久不见! That means long time no see.

I’m not going to lie. August has been a crazy month, hence the lack of postings. Between switching responsibilities at work, my old roommate staying with me in Shanghai for a week, the arrival of my mom in Shanghai and saying goodbye to two close friends and a boyfriend who have all moved away from China, I’ve had little time for myself let alone NYAFC. So readers, I’m sorry.

I’m excited for the upcoming months though. Hopefully there will be some improvement in my Chinese (I’ve been taking lessons since June – yay!), a bit of travel, funny stories from Mom as she adjusts to living in Shanghai and a trip home in the near future – I’m more than ready to see old friends. Anyway, stay tuned and keep commenting.