I love long weekends. With this weekend’s “qing ming” festival, or tomb sweeping holiday, we had Monday off from work. This was a much needed break since I have been in the middle of leaving one job, arranging to start another, subleasing my room in my apartment so my roommate isn't homeless in Nanjing and finding another apartment in Shanghai. Yeah, I’m surprised I’ve found the time to post on here, too.
This winter I have felt pretty bad about not going out and seeing more of Nanjing, but with the cold, wet, damp weather we had for about three months straight I don’t feel too bad about it. Now, I’m trying to make up for lost time. I had a pleasant surprise when an old friend from Shanghai said she and a few gal pals were headed my way for a day this weekend. Not only was it a good time for some much needed girl time, but I got to do some stuff in the city that I haven’t tried. It was interesting having a some “Shanghai girls” in town in Nanjing to see the more casual lifestyle I have compared to their ritzy-glitzy town.
Anyway, the “main event” this weekend was a Saturday trip to the Nanjing hot springs. Unfortunately, there is no volcano here and its not really proper “hot springs.” It is more of a bunch of low-level pools with different kinds of spa-esque qualities. Some of the highlights were the wine pool, tea pool, flower pools (rose, jasmine, lily and a few others) and, my personal favorite, the dead-skin-eating fish pool. I have heard of and seen these pools before, but this was my first time trying it. Basically there is a bunch of fish nibbling at your body and eating the dead skin on your feet, legs, arms, under arms and, if you can believe it, butt – don’t worry, we were clothed through all of this.
It was nice to hang out with some of the girls, and I was surprised at how “Westernized” they were. As we walked around Nanjing Friday night and the hot springs on Saturday, they were surprised at all the attention, stares and “Hellos” the other foreign girl and I seemed to attract. I thought “Thank you for understanding how annoying it is sometimes to be a foreigner here.” But the highlight was seeing their reaction when a little boy of about 9 or 10 told his grandmother to be careful of the “dangerous foreigners.” Of course he felt really embarrassed when he realized that the two foreigners could understand what he was saying. Yup, we’re so dangerous. I was kind of relieved that they were as surprised as they were for the attention me and the other foreign girl received. I really think the days of all the “Hellos” and obnoxious staring will be, for the most part, over when I get to Shanghai.
It has been good to get out and explore Nanjing, even if it is right before I’m supposed to move. Luckily, I’ll be back and forth to Nanjing, so I have some time. I figure I still need to convince a few more kids that foreigners are not dangerous and don’t eat Chinese kids. Although, it is fun to mess with them if they really do think we’re going to kidnap them and cook them for dinner. Oh us foreigners, we are so dangerous.
Apr 5, 2010
Apr 2, 2010
Lamien Love: Why I wouldn't date a Chinese guy
It’s been a running joke with friends that I’m going to come home married to a Chinese guy. Well, I’m here to give you a few reasons as to why I don’t think I could (nor do I want to) date a Chinese guy. And it goes beyond language barriers, height differences and other common place things that one would automatically assume. And this doesn’t really count against ABC guys (American-born Chinese). I'm talking about the mainland dudes who would love nothing more than to date a foreign girl.
Disclaimer: Not every Chinese guy is like this. These are generalizations I have made the following conclusions from interaction at work in other social settings.
1. They have little dating experience – I think my previous NYAFC posts can explain this further. Since most of their high school and college years were spent cramming for tests, practicing the piano or playing computer games, they haven’t had a whole lot of time with girls. Not that I have had a bountiful love life and have a whole lot of experience, but I don’t want someone who only recently learned the basics to talking to girls.
2. They settle down too quickly – you know how I’ve said before that its not uncommon to meet couples who have married within weeks of meeting? Well, there’s a lot of pressure on these men and women to find their spouse quickly. And when a half-way decent one has come along, why not settle to make mom, dad, grandma, grandpa and the rest of the family proud. To many Chinese, dating is a means to an end – marriage– and I’m really not interested in that. Sure, one day I will probably get married, but I’m not rushing to the alter (or the courthouse) anytime soon. And dating for me is about finding someone special, but it is also a time to learn about myself and what I want from a spouse, in a family and in life. I don’t think this is quite on par with Chinese around me.
3. Family values – The idea of the “family” and “family values” is pretty different between Chinese and Western cultures. Its more common than not to have the whole family under one roof – mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, and the kids. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my parents, and, as they age, I want to take care of them. But that doesn’t include them living with me from the time I’ve gotten married. While I respect and even admire the Chinese’s devotion to family and elders, I’m not about to live with Mr. And Mrs. Wang any longer than I would have to. Besides, mothers-in-law are already enough to deal with, especially when you throw a kid in the mix. Would you want her living full-time with you? I didn’t think so.
4. There’s a lack of common sense – Working in the education area, I have been well informed and educated on the stark differences between education in China and at home. Much of their education here is focused on memorization, listening to every word the teacher says and regurgitating information, even when you don’t fully understand it. There is little room for creativity and critical thinking. Which, in my opinion kind of translates into common sense. Anytime there is a problem at work that needs solving or a time when we need to “think outside the box,” more times than not, my Chinese coworkers, even though they are very nice and intelligent, struggle to come up with solutions. You may wonder why this would be a reason not to date someone, but its really a turn off to see this lack of common sense and ability to problem solve.
5. I just really likeWestern, ok, American guys – I mean, I can’t really say it any more simply. I like what I know. And I grew up on American guys. Sure, occasionally they were hard to deal with, were a little too distant, drove me crazy and the whole lot, but, call me crazy, I like that. I like a challenge. Chinese guys here, sometimes come across as so desperate, especially for a foreign girl, you just think, “come on, man up.” American guys just have better conversational skills, are more relaxed and just have the intangibles that a Chinese guy doesn’t, and most times can’t, compete with.
I don’t want to put down Chinese guys. Many of them can be very sweet, and I have found them to be, for the most part, courteous and respectful. But, no, I do not have an interest in dating one. Although, I do still think it would be a good series of blog postings to date one, but it would be for research purposes only. And I’m not so sure that’s fair.
Disclaimer: Not every Chinese guy is like this. These are generalizations I have made the following conclusions from interaction at work in other social settings.
1. They have little dating experience – I think my previous NYAFC posts can explain this further. Since most of their high school and college years were spent cramming for tests, practicing the piano or playing computer games, they haven’t had a whole lot of time with girls. Not that I have had a bountiful love life and have a whole lot of experience, but I don’t want someone who only recently learned the basics to talking to girls.
2. They settle down too quickly – you know how I’ve said before that its not uncommon to meet couples who have married within weeks of meeting? Well, there’s a lot of pressure on these men and women to find their spouse quickly. And when a half-way decent one has come along, why not settle to make mom, dad, grandma, grandpa and the rest of the family proud. To many Chinese, dating is a means to an end – marriage– and I’m really not interested in that. Sure, one day I will probably get married, but I’m not rushing to the alter (or the courthouse) anytime soon. And dating for me is about finding someone special, but it is also a time to learn about myself and what I want from a spouse, in a family and in life. I don’t think this is quite on par with Chinese around me.
3. Family values – The idea of the “family” and “family values” is pretty different between Chinese and Western cultures. Its more common than not to have the whole family under one roof – mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, and the kids. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my parents, and, as they age, I want to take care of them. But that doesn’t include them living with me from the time I’ve gotten married. While I respect and even admire the Chinese’s devotion to family and elders, I’m not about to live with Mr. And Mrs. Wang any longer than I would have to. Besides, mothers-in-law are already enough to deal with, especially when you throw a kid in the mix. Would you want her living full-time with you? I didn’t think so.
4. There’s a lack of common sense – Working in the education area, I have been well informed and educated on the stark differences between education in China and at home. Much of their education here is focused on memorization, listening to every word the teacher says and regurgitating information, even when you don’t fully understand it. There is little room for creativity and critical thinking. Which, in my opinion kind of translates into common sense. Anytime there is a problem at work that needs solving or a time when we need to “think outside the box,” more times than not, my Chinese coworkers, even though they are very nice and intelligent, struggle to come up with solutions. You may wonder why this would be a reason not to date someone, but its really a turn off to see this lack of common sense and ability to problem solve.
5. I just really like
I don’t want to put down Chinese guys. Many of them can be very sweet, and I have found them to be, for the most part, courteous and respectful. But, no, I do not have an interest in dating one. Although, I do still think it would be a good series of blog postings to date one, but it would be for research purposes only. And I’m not so sure that’s fair.
Mar 30, 2010
Champions of Customer Service
It doesn’t take long to realize when living in China the lack of motivation for people to help one another here. I cringe anytime I’m going to have to deal with salespeople, landlords, waitresses or anyone else when it comes to a customer-service oriented situation. So when I went to the gym recently (for the first time in 2010... I don’t want to tell you when was the last time I went in 2009) my fears of dealing with these often useless sales people were brought back to life.
So there I was, at the gym, handing my membership card to the reception girl when she realized there was a problem (maybe it was because they hadn’t seen me in over four months). Calling over someone who could speak English, they told me my card was expired and that I couldn’t use the gym. Puffing up, I said, “No, my membership lasts until May. I can use the gym.”
- “No, this card is not good.”
- “I have the receipt at home. I will bring it next time. But I’m going to use the gym today.”
- (To avoid an angry foreigner and to save some face) “Ok, ok. Next time bring the receipt.”
Later that week (yes, I went to the gym twice that week) I returned with my receipt ready to lose some face and get real mad if they told me I couldn’t work out here. Long story short, I bought a six-month membership, but, when I bought it, the sales girl told me I could come for nine months. Now, for those of you not familiar with China, there are some pretty asinine things about the way memberships, leases, paying bills and other everyday items work here. As I begin to argue with the sales person as to why my card is “not good” he tells me that I was supposed to renew my membership after three months, back in November.
Why? Why did I need to do this? I wanted the nine-month membership. Why not just write on the receipt that I could use the gym from August to May? Why complicate a simple gym membership for someone who doesn’t really speak your language and make them “renew” their membership? If someone can explain, I’m all ears.
So I tell him that the sales girl never told me this, and “I would not have bought the membership if I thought that I couldn’t use the gym for the nine months.”
- “Ok, but this card is not good, you were supposed to renew this back in November.”
Side note: That’s another thing! They repeat themselves as if you’re not understanding what their saying. And I’m thinking “You’re speaking English! I know what you’re saying and you’re not saying anything new. Stop repeating the same thing to me four times!”
So, I tell him that I only want to use the gym for a few more weeks. I throw in there that I don’t really speak their language and that I cannot read Chinese, so I didn’t know I had to renew. I even threatened that I would tell all my friends not to come to this gym. I was saying anything I could to be able to use the gym for the time I wanted. Finally, he says, “Let me talk to the manager.” I guess I should have asked to that 10 minutes ago. Luckily he comes back with about 5 one-week-free cards for me to use. This is great! I can now go to the gym sporadically – even better. I sincerely thanked him many times for his help and went on my way.
This place is funny. Good, helpful customer service is kind of a rarity, yet, it’s not that difficult. In fact, I would argue that being helpful and accommodating is more productive than being a pain in the-you-know-what. It seems some of the Chinese, when it comes to customer service, have not learned the art of dealing with customers. Instead, they prefer the challenge of who is going to win the argument. In the case of the gym membership, I’d like to think I won.
In hindsight, maybe I feel bad about causing a minor scene at the gym. Now, I do feel slightly embarrassed anytime I go to there, but then I think, at least I can come to the gym. Or maybe I shouldn’t feel bad. I haven’t asked, but I would think Chinese people face similar problems in customer service – where the customer is always wrong. If my Chinese was better, I’d probably recognize arguments over prices, service and the same things a foreigner deals with. They have it a little easier, though. At least they’re arguing in the same language.
So there I was, at the gym, handing my membership card to the reception girl when she realized there was a problem (maybe it was because they hadn’t seen me in over four months). Calling over someone who could speak English, they told me my card was expired and that I couldn’t use the gym. Puffing up, I said, “No, my membership lasts until May. I can use the gym.”
- “No, this card is not good.”
- “I have the receipt at home. I will bring it next time. But I’m going to use the gym today.”
- (To avoid an angry foreigner and to save some face) “Ok, ok. Next time bring the receipt.”
Later that week (yes, I went to the gym twice that week) I returned with my receipt ready to lose some face and get real mad if they told me I couldn’t work out here. Long story short, I bought a six-month membership, but, when I bought it, the sales girl told me I could come for nine months. Now, for those of you not familiar with China, there are some pretty asinine things about the way memberships, leases, paying bills and other everyday items work here. As I begin to argue with the sales person as to why my card is “not good” he tells me that I was supposed to renew my membership after three months, back in November.
Why? Why did I need to do this? I wanted the nine-month membership. Why not just write on the receipt that I could use the gym from August to May? Why complicate a simple gym membership for someone who doesn’t really speak your language and make them “renew” their membership? If someone can explain, I’m all ears.
So I tell him that the sales girl never told me this, and “I would not have bought the membership if I thought that I couldn’t use the gym for the nine months.”
- “Ok, but this card is not good, you were supposed to renew this back in November.”
Side note: That’s another thing! They repeat themselves as if you’re not understanding what their saying. And I’m thinking “You’re speaking English! I know what you’re saying and you’re not saying anything new. Stop repeating the same thing to me four times!”
So, I tell him that I only want to use the gym for a few more weeks. I throw in there that I don’t really speak their language and that I cannot read Chinese, so I didn’t know I had to renew. I even threatened that I would tell all my friends not to come to this gym. I was saying anything I could to be able to use the gym for the time I wanted. Finally, he says, “Let me talk to the manager.” I guess I should have asked to that 10 minutes ago. Luckily he comes back with about 5 one-week-free cards for me to use. This is great! I can now go to the gym sporadically – even better. I sincerely thanked him many times for his help and went on my way.
This place is funny. Good, helpful customer service is kind of a rarity, yet, it’s not that difficult. In fact, I would argue that being helpful and accommodating is more productive than being a pain in the-you-know-what. It seems some of the Chinese, when it comes to customer service, have not learned the art of dealing with customers. Instead, they prefer the challenge of who is going to win the argument. In the case of the gym membership, I’d like to think I won.
In hindsight, maybe I feel bad about causing a minor scene at the gym. Now, I do feel slightly embarrassed anytime I go to there, but then I think, at least I can come to the gym. Or maybe I shouldn’t feel bad. I haven’t asked, but I would think Chinese people face similar problems in customer service – where the customer is always wrong. If my Chinese was better, I’d probably recognize arguments over prices, service and the same things a foreigner deals with. They have it a little easier, though. At least they’re arguing in the same language.
Mar 25, 2010
Weekend Whimsies
As the weather has been warming up in Nanjing and people are shedding layers of clothing a common weekend festivity has become more and more popular – the Barbecue. One of the things I have missed, I mean really missed, is hanging out outside - OK, mostly I miss tailgating. I have been relieved the past few weekends that I have a group of people who enjoy outdoor activities as much as I do. We bring along a Frisbee, burgers (made by yours truly which have been getting good reviews!) and all the fixins, speakers for music and a little Weber grill. And as we start our favorite weekend activity, here come the spectators.
It doesn’t help that our preferred BBQ area is on a college campus, so this group of foreigners (where, of course, I am the only foreign-looking girl) is quite the spectacle for Chinese onlookers. Students come out of their dorm rooms - those less brave look on from their windows. Dining hall workers come out to see what the crazy laowais are doing now. Kids come running to stare and hope to play with the foreigners. And grandma and grandpa stand about 10 feet away staring at and checking out our set-up.
The little ones come and ask us what we’re doing, what we’re making and what games we’re playing. For the most part, we don’t mind. By themselves they are actually kind of cute. Since they are all only children and the only babysitter they’ve ever known is grandma, I think they like being able to play with the big kids - and we’re foreigners, even better. We’ve taught them how to play baseball and how to throw a Frisbee. You know they’re bragging about it at school the next week. And as our stock of beer dwindles they’ll even tell us not to drink too much or else we’ll get drunk - perhaps this has happened to dad a few too many times? It’s kind of funny and I think it’s amusing - until they start begging for a burger.
It’s nice to be able to get together for these BBQs, especially since most of us over here spent the last three months hibernating inside. It’s also a good reminder of home. And, I think we’re sharing a bit of “America” with our Chinese spectators. Granted they also are known to have a BBQ on the weekends, but they are able to see what the laowais are making, that we eat some of the same stuff as them, that we’re friendly and if you want to come check out what we’re doing we’re not going to bite. I’d like to think that they are learning that MacDonald’s hamburgers are not the only kind out there.
Happy weekend (almost)!
It doesn’t help that our preferred BBQ area is on a college campus, so this group of foreigners (where, of course, I am the only foreign-looking girl) is quite the spectacle for Chinese onlookers. Students come out of their dorm rooms - those less brave look on from their windows. Dining hall workers come out to see what the crazy laowais are doing now. Kids come running to stare and hope to play with the foreigners. And grandma and grandpa stand about 10 feet away staring at and checking out our set-up.
The little ones come and ask us what we’re doing, what we’re making and what games we’re playing. For the most part, we don’t mind. By themselves they are actually kind of cute. Since they are all only children and the only babysitter they’ve ever known is grandma, I think they like being able to play with the big kids - and we’re foreigners, even better. We’ve taught them how to play baseball and how to throw a Frisbee. You know they’re bragging about it at school the next week. And as our stock of beer dwindles they’ll even tell us not to drink too much or else we’ll get drunk - perhaps this has happened to dad a few too many times? It’s kind of funny and I think it’s amusing - until they start begging for a burger.
It’s nice to be able to get together for these BBQs, especially since most of us over here spent the last three months hibernating inside. It’s also a good reminder of home. And, I think we’re sharing a bit of “America” with our Chinese spectators. Granted they also are known to have a BBQ on the weekends, but they are able to see what the laowais are making, that we eat some of the same stuff as them, that we’re friendly and if you want to come check out what we’re doing we’re not going to bite. I’d like to think that they are learning that MacDonald’s hamburgers are not the only kind out there.
Happy weekend (almost)!
Mar 19, 2010
Lamein Love: Love in Language
Ok. So I’m really going to try to do this. Every other Friday (starting with today) will be another addition of Lamein Love (with other random posts during the week). And this week’s topic is something I have experience and something I’m still learning. That is the decoy of the “Language Partner.” Now you may recall my brief stint with a language partner (who was like a 18 year old girl who wanted to practice her English to eventually study abroad), but this other kind of “language partner” is much different.
It happens to foreign guys and girls alike, often unsuspecting. A Chinese person, a member of the opposite sex, is looking for a “language partner.” And while I’m sure there are those honest people out there solely looking for a language partner, my experience with Chinese guys looking for a “language partner” have turned into what looks like an attempt to get a foreign girlfriend. My first, of two encounters, was within my first few weeks in Nanjing. Looking back, I think it was pretty foolish on my part, but I’ll blame it on my naivety.
Long story short, I had contacted this guy because of something he was selling - a watercooler and a dryer I think. I didn’t end up purchasing the items, but this guy was insistent on me helping him improve his English. It started off as a few infrequent chat sessions where he’d ask me questions about an article he read. “What does this mean?” “What does that mean?” It was harmless. But then it started getting sketchy - asking about where I lived, if I had a roommate and for a picture. I knew enough then to go ahead and call this a bust. Eventually, I blocked him on my MSN (Chinese people’s preference to gchat) and ignored all text messages. Eventually he took a hint.
This latest stint with a language partner didn’t take too long for me to just roll my eyes and call it done. A girlfriend (American) who moved from Nanjing a few months back sent me an email saying a friend was looking for, you guessed it, a language partner. Reluctantly I said, “sure” and told her to pass along my phone number. A few days later, I get a phone call. All sounds normal. That weekend I wasn’t really in the mood to take two hours for a language lesson, so I cancelled. The next week I got another message - again, normal enough. But then two days later I got the message that broke the deal. It was something to the effect of “I have a few days off from school. Let’s meet so I can take a picture of you. I think you must be very beautiful.” Ok. I’m done.
Now some of you might think, “Oh, you’re just jaded. He was excited to meet a foreigner.” No (I will discuss the whole “you’re beautiful” line that just about every foreign girl gets in Nanjing and other cities in the future). Blame it on language barriers, cultural differences or lack of etiquette, but getting this kind of message from someone who “just wants to learn your language” is a red flag for “AVOID AT ALL COSTS.” He may not even realize that its not OK to send that to girl. Maybe Chinese girls eat this up. However, I’m not interested in someone telling me I’m beautiful before we’ve met and I am not a Chinese girl. And other foreign girls who have encountered similar situations feel the same.
So maybe I am slightly jaded. But the way I see it, I’d rather be jaded and cautious then to have a potential Chinese stalker. Yes, I’ve seen it happen (but not to me). For now, I’ll stick to same sex language partners and ones who have legit reasons for wanting to learn English - not to just have an excuse to hang out with a foreign girl.
It happens to foreign guys and girls alike, often unsuspecting. A Chinese person, a member of the opposite sex, is looking for a “language partner.” And while I’m sure there are those honest people out there solely looking for a language partner, my experience with Chinese guys looking for a “language partner” have turned into what looks like an attempt to get a foreign girlfriend. My first, of two encounters, was within my first few weeks in Nanjing. Looking back, I think it was pretty foolish on my part, but I’ll blame it on my naivety.
Long story short, I had contacted this guy because of something he was selling - a watercooler and a dryer I think. I didn’t end up purchasing the items, but this guy was insistent on me helping him improve his English. It started off as a few infrequent chat sessions where he’d ask me questions about an article he read. “What does this mean?” “What does that mean?” It was harmless. But then it started getting sketchy - asking about where I lived, if I had a roommate and for a picture. I knew enough then to go ahead and call this a bust. Eventually, I blocked him on my MSN (Chinese people’s preference to gchat) and ignored all text messages. Eventually he took a hint.
This latest stint with a language partner didn’t take too long for me to just roll my eyes and call it done. A girlfriend (American) who moved from Nanjing a few months back sent me an email saying a friend was looking for, you guessed it, a language partner. Reluctantly I said, “sure” and told her to pass along my phone number. A few days later, I get a phone call. All sounds normal. That weekend I wasn’t really in the mood to take two hours for a language lesson, so I cancelled. The next week I got another message - again, normal enough. But then two days later I got the message that broke the deal. It was something to the effect of “I have a few days off from school. Let’s meet so I can take a picture of you. I think you must be very beautiful.” Ok. I’m done.
Now some of you might think, “Oh, you’re just jaded. He was excited to meet a foreigner.” No (I will discuss the whole “you’re beautiful” line that just about every foreign girl gets in Nanjing and other cities in the future). Blame it on language barriers, cultural differences or lack of etiquette, but getting this kind of message from someone who “just wants to learn your language” is a red flag for “AVOID AT ALL COSTS.” He may not even realize that its not OK to send that to girl. Maybe Chinese girls eat this up. However, I’m not interested in someone telling me I’m beautiful before we’ve met and I am not a Chinese girl. And other foreign girls who have encountered similar situations feel the same.
So maybe I am slightly jaded. But the way I see it, I’d rather be jaded and cautious then to have a potential Chinese stalker. Yes, I’ve seen it happen (but not to me). For now, I’ll stick to same sex language partners and ones who have legit reasons for wanting to learn English - not to just have an excuse to hang out with a foreign girl.
Mar 17, 2010
Nanjing Nightmare!!! (not really, I just liked the alliteration)
I’ve enjoyed writing Lamien Love, but I’m going to take a break. There are so many things I want to write about! Maybe Lamien Love will be a biweekly (who am I kidding? more like monthly) post on here. As for now, I have breaking news from China!
Not really. But there was a bit of scare in my neighborhood here in Nanjing over the weekend. Unbeknownst to me, there was a pretty serious hostage situation on Sunday afternoon in the apartment complex across the road from me. Which led to yet another interesting “Chinese Culture” lesson.
Violent crimes in China - gun-shootings, stabbings, murder - are pretty uncommon. I remember living in Shanghai in 2007 when someone held up customers and employees at a KFC at gunpoint. I remember everyone’s shock after it happened too. No one was safe - not even at KFC.
So in a “watercooler-esque” conversation with a coworker after the weekend, he asked me if I had heard about the story. “Nope,” I said trying to think back to what exactly I had been doing on Sunday. I was shocked when he told me about the man dressed up as a service man, the attacker holding an old woman hostage, the kids coming home to find grandma with a crazy man and calling the police, the hostage negotiator and the eventual shooting (and killing) of the attacker. This was pretty shocking and a break from the usual “What did you do this weekend?” and “Did you read that ‘insert uninteresting headline here’?”
So later, I asked another coworker about it. She started to get really aggravated with the guy who had divulged the story to me. “Why did you tell her?” she asked. I had to quickly intercept the conversation saying “It’s ok. It’s ok.” She was legit mad that the other coworker told me about hostage hold up. I never really had a clear understanding as to why she was mad he had told me, but I assume she didn’t want me to feel unsafe. After all, this was about two football fields away from where I live. But as I told her and the other coworker repeatedly, “I would rather know about these kinds of things than not know.”
But I guess that’s not exactly the “Chinese way.” When I was telling a friend about it later, he simply responded with a “Yup, that’s classic Chinese “head in the sand” syndrome” (or something to that effect). I’ve heard about and seen my fair share of crazies. I mean, Gainesville has them all over the place - asking to use your phone, holding up crappy banks, stealing beer. And even though I worried about the crazies out there, I was still glad I knew about these stories. Being ignorant and blind to potential dangers is just, well, not very smart.
So, I made a point to tell Eva not to open the door to anyone suspicious or who wasn’t already scheduled to come to our apartment. You might be surprised I felt the need to verbalize this, but this girl lacks some common sense - God love her though. For those who might be worried, I’m perfectly fine and pretty much unfazed. But I am glad I’m not sticking my head in the sand with this.
Not really. But there was a bit of scare in my neighborhood here in Nanjing over the weekend. Unbeknownst to me, there was a pretty serious hostage situation on Sunday afternoon in the apartment complex across the road from me. Which led to yet another interesting “Chinese Culture” lesson.
Violent crimes in China - gun-shootings, stabbings, murder - are pretty uncommon. I remember living in Shanghai in 2007 when someone held up customers and employees at a KFC at gunpoint. I remember everyone’s shock after it happened too. No one was safe - not even at KFC.
So in a “watercooler-esque” conversation with a coworker after the weekend, he asked me if I had heard about the story. “Nope,” I said trying to think back to what exactly I had been doing on Sunday. I was shocked when he told me about the man dressed up as a service man, the attacker holding an old woman hostage, the kids coming home to find grandma with a crazy man and calling the police, the hostage negotiator and the eventual shooting (and killing) of the attacker. This was pretty shocking and a break from the usual “What did you do this weekend?” and “Did you read that ‘insert uninteresting headline here’?”
So later, I asked another coworker about it. She started to get really aggravated with the guy who had divulged the story to me. “Why did you tell her?” she asked. I had to quickly intercept the conversation saying “It’s ok. It’s ok.” She was legit mad that the other coworker told me about hostage hold up. I never really had a clear understanding as to why she was mad he had told me, but I assume she didn’t want me to feel unsafe. After all, this was about two football fields away from where I live. But as I told her and the other coworker repeatedly, “I would rather know about these kinds of things than not know.”
But I guess that’s not exactly the “Chinese way.” When I was telling a friend about it later, he simply responded with a “Yup, that’s classic Chinese “head in the sand” syndrome” (or something to that effect). I’ve heard about and seen my fair share of crazies. I mean, Gainesville has them all over the place - asking to use your phone, holding up crappy banks, stealing beer. And even though I worried about the crazies out there, I was still glad I knew about these stories. Being ignorant and blind to potential dangers is just, well, not very smart.
So, I made a point to tell Eva not to open the door to anyone suspicious or who wasn’t already scheduled to come to our apartment. You might be surprised I felt the need to verbalize this, but this girl lacks some common sense - God love her though. For those who might be worried, I’m perfectly fine and pretty much unfazed. But I am glad I’m not sticking my head in the sand with this.
Mar 11, 2010
Lamein Love: Parents and putting yourself out there.
I hate to pepper these postings with Sex and the City anecdotes, but one of my favorite episodes is when Carrie agrees to go with Charlotte to this “self-help” seminar about being “open to love” or something along those lines. Charlotte is feeling down because she’s a divorced, single gal in the big city. She asserts that she’s “putting herself out there” for love, but no one is biting.
Well, that’s about the exact opposite of the dating scene for single gals (and guys) here in Nanjing (and I’d guess China). Sure, there are those few Chinese who enjoy a more Western lifestyle of going to the bar and meeting new people, but the hast majority are living with their parents and staying in on the weekends.
It really doesn’t surprise me that Chinese girls and guys may have a hard time meeting someone special. It’s common for Chinese to live with their parents up until the get married. While other 20-somethings back at home in the U.S. are spending their weekends socializing with friends, 20-somethings in China are spending their weekends hanging out with the family. Occasionally they will go out and meet up with friends maybe for coffee or for some KTV action, but these activities are not really conducive to meeting new people, let alone someone special. Whenever I ask my coworkers what their plans are for the weekend, it usually consists of sleeping, “taking a rest” and spending time with parents.
If they’re not living at home, they certainly feel a strong obligation to go home every chance they get. My roommate goes home almost every weekend. Sure she does a few music lessons while she’s there to earn some extra money, but she could easily do it in Nanjing. What brings her home every weekend? Her parents. I mean, you can’t really “put yourself” out there if you’re hanging out at home or with your parents all the time (sorry Mom and Dad).
Not to mention that being an only child living with Mom and Dad means that their attention is focused on you. So the second they’ve met an interesting person and are going on a date, Mom and Dad are right there ready to take your picture as he comes to pick you up. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad, but you can be sure they’re going to put the pressure on to meet him and start making future plans.
Which leads to another point that it’s usually Mom and Dad who are putting the pressure on the kids to “meet someone” (more like get married and make me a grandchild), but t the same time, they are the ones who seem to “baby” their children, encourage them to just stay at home and look down on them when they come home a little bit too late. And while I think that there are a lot of positives with the filial obedience Chinese children show their parents and grandparents, there isn’t really a whole lot of freedom when it comes to meeting someone to date. Not to mention that when your kiddie is dating, there are strict curfews with little “alone time.” It’s not like your date has a car to pick you up in to have some private time. Unless you’re being sneaky in the park, most of the time, someone is always around.
I guess it makes me very appreciative that I had the freedoms I did living at home (and especially glad that I live on my own now). I don’t think I could handle all that attention and all that pressure to please the parentals. Which is why I moved 23089324089 miles away. Just kidding.
Well, that’s about the exact opposite of the dating scene for single gals (and guys) here in Nanjing (and I’d guess China). Sure, there are those few Chinese who enjoy a more Western lifestyle of going to the bar and meeting new people, but the hast majority are living with their parents and staying in on the weekends.
It really doesn’t surprise me that Chinese girls and guys may have a hard time meeting someone special. It’s common for Chinese to live with their parents up until the get married. While other 20-somethings back at home in the U.S. are spending their weekends socializing with friends, 20-somethings in China are spending their weekends hanging out with the family. Occasionally they will go out and meet up with friends maybe for coffee or for some KTV action, but these activities are not really conducive to meeting new people, let alone someone special. Whenever I ask my coworkers what their plans are for the weekend, it usually consists of sleeping, “taking a rest” and spending time with parents.
If they’re not living at home, they certainly feel a strong obligation to go home every chance they get. My roommate goes home almost every weekend. Sure she does a few music lessons while she’s there to earn some extra money, but she could easily do it in Nanjing. What brings her home every weekend? Her parents. I mean, you can’t really “put yourself” out there if you’re hanging out at home or with your parents all the time (sorry Mom and Dad).
Not to mention that being an only child living with Mom and Dad means that their attention is focused on you. So the second they’ve met an interesting person and are going on a date, Mom and Dad are right there ready to take your picture as he comes to pick you up. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad, but you can be sure they’re going to put the pressure on to meet him and start making future plans.
Which leads to another point that it’s usually Mom and Dad who are putting the pressure on the kids to “meet someone” (more like get married and make me a grandchild), but t the same time, they are the ones who seem to “baby” their children, encourage them to just stay at home and look down on them when they come home a little bit too late. And while I think that there are a lot of positives with the filial obedience Chinese children show their parents and grandparents, there isn’t really a whole lot of freedom when it comes to meeting someone to date. Not to mention that when your kiddie is dating, there are strict curfews with little “alone time.” It’s not like your date has a car to pick you up in to have some private time. Unless you’re being sneaky in the park, most of the time, someone is always around.
I guess it makes me very appreciative that I had the freedoms I did living at home (and especially glad that I live on my own now). I don’t think I could handle all that attention and all that pressure to please the parentals. Which is why I moved 23089324089 miles away. Just kidding.
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