Lamein Love: Parents and putting yourself out there.

I hate to pepper these postings with Sex and the City anecdotes, but one of my favorite episodes is when Carrie agrees to go with Charlotte to this “self-help” seminar about being “open to love” or something along those lines. Charlotte is feeling down because she’s a divorced, single gal in the big city. She asserts that she’s “putting herself out there” for love, but no one is biting.

Well, that’s about the exact opposite of the dating scene for single gals (and guys) here in Nanjing (and I’d guess China). Sure, there are those few Chinese who enjoy a more Western lifestyle of going to the bar and meeting new people, but the hast majority are living with their parents and staying in on the weekends.

It really doesn’t surprise me that Chinese girls and guys may have a hard time meeting someone special. It’s common for Chinese to live with their parents up until the get married. While other 20-somethings back at home in the U.S. are spending their weekends socializing with friends, 20-somethings in China are spending their weekends hanging out with the family. Occasionally they will go out and meet up with friends maybe for coffee or for some KTV action, but these activities are not really conducive to meeting new people, let alone someone special. Whenever I ask my coworkers what their plans are for the weekend, it usually consists of sleeping, “taking a rest” and spending time with parents.

If they’re not living at home, they certainly feel a strong obligation to go home every chance they get. My roommate goes home almost every weekend. Sure she does a few music lessons while she’s there to earn some extra money, but she could easily do it in Nanjing. What brings her home every weekend? Her parents. I mean, you can’t really “put yourself” out there if you’re hanging out at home or with your parents all the time (sorry Mom and Dad).

Not to mention that being an only child living with Mom and Dad means that their attention is focused on you. So the second they’ve met an interesting person and are going on a date, Mom and Dad are right there ready to take your picture as he comes to pick you up. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad, but you can be sure they’re going to put the pressure on to meet him and start making future plans.

Which leads to another point that it’s usually Mom and Dad who are putting the pressure on the kids to “meet someone” (more like get married and make me a grandchild), but t the same time, they are the ones who seem to “baby” their children, encourage them to just stay at home and look down on them when they come home a little bit too late. And while I think that there are a lot of positives with the filial obedience Chinese children show their parents and grandparents, there isn’t really a whole lot of freedom when it comes to meeting someone to date. Not to mention that when your kiddie is dating, there are strict curfews with little “alone time.” It’s not like your date has a car to pick you up in to have some private time. Unless you’re being sneaky in the park, most of the time, someone is always around.

I guess it makes me very appreciative that I had the freedoms I did living at home (and especially glad that I live on my own now). I don’t think I could handle all that attention and all that pressure to please the parentals. Which is why I moved 23089324089 miles away. Just kidding.