I love friends, but I’m finding one friendship in particular especially challenging as of late. I don’t know if this is just how some Chinese girls are or if this is just one case in particular, but I’m struggling with how to deal with it.
I should preface this with saying that for those of you who don’t know me, I enjoy being independent. I rarely make life choices around someone else or what other people think. Sure, I take advice, but I treat it as just that – advice. So now that my roommate from Nanjing has moved to Shanghai she seems adamant that we must once again live together.
It started when I first moved to Shanghai. I mistakenly told her that if she moved to Shanghai maybe we could live together; the keyword being maybe. Well a few weeks ago when she was job searching in Shanghai she kept talking about how when she found a job we would live together. Again, I kept saying maybe. She even asked if I would move outside the downtown area. That was a flat out “no.”
Well now she’s found a job in Shanghai, and I’ve agreed she can stay with me for a few weeks. To try to get myself out of this situation where she thinks we will most definitely live together permanently, I told her the day she arrived that I didn’t know if I could move. First of all, my permit and visa are all registered to my Shanghai apartment. Second, I’ve paid for various amenities for the apartment through the end of the year. Third, I don’t know if we’d be able to find a suitable apartment given the rather large disparities in our incomes (And I’m not about to downgrade to an old “Chinesey” apartment. I did that in Nanjing, thank you). She kept insisting that we’re going to find an apartment together.
She was driving me crazy! So, I just told her straight forwardly, “please don’t make these decisions around me. You need to do what is best for you. You need to decide if you want to live closer to your work (which is an hour metro ride away). Let’s not make decisions now.”
She was still either not budging, not understanding or just not listening to what I was saying.
Finally, I pulled the last card that I could think of. I told her there was a possibility that I might have to move to another city. My work responsibilities have changed and I’m working on an English-language newspaper that is released in a nearby province. Much of the reporting and editing is done in Shanghai, and it’s proving to be somewhat inconvenient. The prospect of moving hasn’t even come up yet at work, but I’m not discounting the idea.
Her response: “Oh, you were part of the reason I moved to Shanghai. If you move, then I will follow you.” AHHHHHHH!
I really do like the girl. She’s really very sweet and has been a good friend. But I just can’t handle her dependency on me. I like living alone. I like doing things when I want to do them. I don’t want to have to “adopt” her and include her in all my plans. Selfishly, I like just deciding things for myself. Most of all, I just like being by myself.
So I don’t know what else I can do to get the point across. It isn’t that I don’t want to live with her. I just don’t want to have to find an apartment, move, sublease my apartment, risk losing my deposit on the apartment and go through all the other hassles. I’m settled. I don’t want to uproot. But I also don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Is this a cultural thing? I just don’t know! China, you’ve stumped me on this one.
I should preface this with saying that for those of you who don’t know me, I enjoy being independent. I rarely make life choices around someone else or what other people think. Sure, I take advice, but I treat it as just that – advice. So now that my roommate from Nanjing has moved to Shanghai she seems adamant that we must once again live together.
It started when I first moved to Shanghai. I mistakenly told her that if she moved to Shanghai maybe we could live together; the keyword being maybe. Well a few weeks ago when she was job searching in Shanghai she kept talking about how when she found a job we would live together. Again, I kept saying maybe. She even asked if I would move outside the downtown area. That was a flat out “no.”
Well now she’s found a job in Shanghai, and I’ve agreed she can stay with me for a few weeks. To try to get myself out of this situation where she thinks we will most definitely live together permanently, I told her the day she arrived that I didn’t know if I could move. First of all, my permit and visa are all registered to my Shanghai apartment. Second, I’ve paid for various amenities for the apartment through the end of the year. Third, I don’t know if we’d be able to find a suitable apartment given the rather large disparities in our incomes (And I’m not about to downgrade to an old “Chinesey” apartment. I did that in Nanjing, thank you). She kept insisting that we’re going to find an apartment together.
She was driving me crazy! So, I just told her straight forwardly, “please don’t make these decisions around me. You need to do what is best for you. You need to decide if you want to live closer to your work (which is an hour metro ride away). Let’s not make decisions now.”
She was still either not budging, not understanding or just not listening to what I was saying.
Finally, I pulled the last card that I could think of. I told her there was a possibility that I might have to move to another city. My work responsibilities have changed and I’m working on an English-language newspaper that is released in a nearby province. Much of the reporting and editing is done in Shanghai, and it’s proving to be somewhat inconvenient. The prospect of moving hasn’t even come up yet at work, but I’m not discounting the idea.
Her response: “Oh, you were part of the reason I moved to Shanghai. If you move, then I will follow you.” AHHHHHHH!
I really do like the girl. She’s really very sweet and has been a good friend. But I just can’t handle her dependency on me. I like living alone. I like doing things when I want to do them. I don’t want to have to “adopt” her and include her in all my plans. Selfishly, I like just deciding things for myself. Most of all, I just like being by myself.
So I don’t know what else I can do to get the point across. It isn’t that I don’t want to live with her. I just don’t want to have to find an apartment, move, sublease my apartment, risk losing my deposit on the apartment and go through all the other hassles. I’m settled. I don’t want to uproot. But I also don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Is this a cultural thing? I just don’t know! China, you’ve stumped me on this one.
1 comment:
if being subtle does not work. it's time to get blunt in a gentle way with her? just tell her you would like to live alone and manage your responsibilities by yourself. period.
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