Lamien Love: The Mentality.

I remember saying a while back that I wanted to start a dating series... Six months later, I thought I would start. I’m going to call it “Lamien Love.” Lamien means “noodle soup” in Chinese, and even though I don’t think there is any reference to noodles and love in any Chinese saying or idiom, I think it fits. I love noodles and noodles, like love, come in a lot of varieties: long or short, spicy or mild, hot or cold.

For a 20-something single Chinese gal, the “dating world” is far from the exciting playground you would see watching something like, say, Sex and the City and Friends or even from people watching at a college bar on a Friday night. The reality is dating is tough - especially for the Chinese. In fact, I would go so far as to say there is very little “dating” that goes on in China. Usually it goes like this: meet someone new and interesting, go to dinner, a week later you’re boyfriend/girlfriend, a few weeks later your meeting the parents and maybe within the year you’ve become engaged, or even married.

Ok, that may be a bit exaggerated, but it’s not that far from the truth. For as many Chinese couples who I have met who were in 2 year+ relationships before they married, I’ve met people who were married within a year... maybe even months. And while everyone loves a love story, some (I’d even say most) Chinese women’s perception of love and relationships is pretty overly romanticized and unrealistic. I don’t want to sound the pessimist, but thinking that you’ve met the man of your dreams and ready to marry them three months into a relationship has recipe for disaster written all over it. I’m not kidding when I say that when a few friends and coworkers saw a newly purchased ring on my finger (not even my wedding finger) they thought I was engaged. Needless to say I quickly dispelled that rumor.

And for me and some of my foreign girlfriends, this a common subject for us to dissect and tear apart. I would like to think we’re not too terribly jaded, but it is hard for us to understand these quick engagements and what women expect from relationships. It’s almost as if they still have a 10-year-old’s fantasy of meeting prince charming, falling in love and living happily ever after. I try to think about why this notion of “puppy love” - even for mid to late 20-somethings - is prevalent for this culture. Maybe its the movies they watch? Maybe it’s the fact that they haven’t been in many long-term relationships to know the realities of dating? Maybe its the pressure they get from their parents, grandparents and other family members to get married? Either way it is debilitating.

I wrote an article recently for eChinacities about Chinese women and the pressure to get married. It’s not hardcore journalism, but it is a fairly accurate description of what the scene is like.

Hope you enjoyed the first installment of “Lamien Love.” If there is a topic you want to see written about, post a comment and I’ll fit it in!