Lamien Love: Why I wouldn't date a Chinese guy

It’s been a running joke with friends that I’m going to come home married to a Chinese guy. Well, I’m here to give you a few reasons as to why I don’t think I could (nor do I want to) date a Chinese guy. And it goes beyond language barriers, height differences and other common place things that one would automatically assume. And this doesn’t really count against ABC guys (American-born Chinese). I'm talking about the mainland dudes who would love nothing more than to date a foreign girl.

Disclaimer: Not every Chinese guy is like this. These are generalizations I have made the following conclusions from interaction at work in other social settings.

1. They have little dating experience – I think my previous NYAFC posts can explain this further. Since most of their high school and college years were spent cramming for tests, practicing the piano or playing computer games, they haven’t had a whole lot of time with girls. Not that I have had a bountiful love life and have a whole lot of experience, but I don’t want someone who only recently learned the basics to talking to girls.

2. They settle down too quickly – you know how I’ve said before that its not uncommon to meet couples who have married within weeks of meeting? Well, there’s a lot of pressure on these men and women to find their spouse quickly. And when a half-way decent one has come along, why not settle to make mom, dad, grandma, grandpa and the rest of the family proud. To many Chinese, dating is a means to an end – marriage– and I’m really not interested in that. Sure, one day I will probably get married, but I’m not rushing to the alter (or the courthouse) anytime soon. And dating for me is about finding someone special, but it is also a time to learn about myself and what I want from a spouse, in a family and in life. I don’t think this is quite on par with Chinese around me.

3. Family values – The idea of the “family” and “family values” is pretty different between Chinese and Western cultures. Its more common than not to have the whole family under one roof – mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, and the kids. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my parents, and, as they age, I want to take care of them. But that doesn’t include them living with me from the time I’ve gotten married. While I respect and even admire the Chinese’s devotion to family and elders, I’m not about to live with Mr. And Mrs. Wang any longer than I would have to. Besides, mothers-in-law are already enough to deal with, especially when you throw a kid in the mix. Would you want her living full-time with you? I didn’t think so.

4. There’s a lack of common sense – Working in the education area, I have been well informed and educated on the stark differences between education in China and at home. Much of their education here is focused on memorization, listening to every word the teacher says and regurgitating information, even when you don’t fully understand it. There is little room for creativity and critical thinking. Which, in my opinion kind of translates into common sense. Anytime there is a problem at work that needs solving or a time when we need to “think outside the box,” more times than not, my Chinese coworkers, even though they are very nice and intelligent, struggle to come up with solutions. You may wonder why this would be a reason not to date someone, but its really a turn off to see this lack of common sense and ability to problem solve.

5. I just really like Western, ok, American guys – I mean, I can’t really say it any more simply. I like what I know. And I grew up on American guys. Sure, occasionally they were hard to deal with, were a little too distant, drove me crazy and the whole lot, but, call me crazy, I like that. I like a challenge. Chinese guys here, sometimes come across as so desperate, especially for a foreign girl, you just think, “come on, man up.” American guys just have better conversational skills, are more relaxed and just have the intangibles that a Chinese guy doesn’t, and most times can’t, compete with.

I don’t want to put down Chinese guys. Many of them can be very sweet, and I have found them to be, for the most part, courteous and respectful. But, no, I do not have an interest in dating one. Although, I do still think it would be a good series of blog postings to date one, but it would be for research purposes only. And I’m not so sure that’s fair.